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Archive for March, 2009

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THE FIRST ANNUAL ARKANSAS’ FUNNIEST PERSON CONTEST!

Monday, March 30th, 2009

afp-flyerAre you ready to laugh like never before?

You don’t wanna miss Round 1 of Arkansas’ Funniest Person! 25 comedians go head to head to see who will make it to the Top 10!

Doc and I are hosting and promise this will be one crazy event! The eventual winner gets cash, prizes and a spot on The Anger Mis-Management Comedy Tour! If you like to laugh then don’t miss this!

A big part of who moves on to the Top 10 will be AUDIENCE RESPONSE! Come out and cheer your favorite to the next round!

Comedians include: David Hamilton, Ray-De-Oh, JP, John David, Mel, Tommy Kelley, Dr. Luv, Robby, Matt Singer, Rick Hobby,  Chucky D, Reuben The Meatman, Amy Pannell, Jason Thompson. Michael Brown, Joe Pepsi, Steve Rauls, Mista Stick Wayne, Gene Ryan Berry, Will Koberg, Corban Graves, Big Chill, Josi De, The Panoz and BenJammin.

Get tickets now @ http://www.juanitas.com/cal.php?month=4&year=2009

SEE ALL THE DETAILS AT http://afp.comedianzone.com/

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Can You Imagine ?

Friday, March 27th, 2009

frankenhood-dvd1

Can you imagine the guy who pitched this to the studio?

Guy: “So, it’s like Frankenstein but he’s African American.”

Studio Exec: “Interesting, a re-imagining…hmmm…go ahead.”

Guy: But here’s the twist….he’s brought back to life by these guys who need to win a 3 on 3 basketball tournament!”

Studio Exec: “What the f*** are you talking about? Are you on crack?”

Guy: No, wait….see, they gotta teach him to play ball because he’s like, well, kinda dumb. But he’s REALLY tall! It’s hilarious!”

Studio Exec: “Security!”

I imagine that’s how the first several presentations went down for “Guy”. But yet, somehow, he stumbled upon someone who also ate a buffet full of assclown for breakfast and said…

“Shit, that’s a great idea! How much ya need?”

A few hundred thousand later and this is on the shelf at Blockbuster.

And one more thing….I like Charlie Murphy. He’s funny. He was on Chapelle. I am pretty sure they either photoshopped him in this and a lawsuit is pending or they broke into his house and held him at gunpoint while he read his lines. Either way, a little piece of my soul died when I saw him on that cover. Then again, if someone offered me $100,000….or $10,000….0r $10 and and half a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20….

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in Angry Picture Time, General Angry Rant | 1 Comment »

Fire This Costume Designer

Friday, March 27th, 2009

The bad economy even brought Chester the Molestor out of retirement.

The bad economy even brought Chester the Molestor out of retirement.

Nick Cage is filming a remake for The Sorcerer which was most famously adapted into Fantasia for Disney. Apparently Nick is The Sorcerer.

Yeeeeeah, ummmmmm, about that. Are you frickin kidding me? Sorcerer?  Is that what he’s supposed to be? Damn, I could’ve gone down to Party City and hooked up a better costume than that for a twenty spot.  And I was just saying the other day that Nick Cage’s recent hairstyles looked like a napping chinchilla but this tops it all. It looks like they found a bunch of steel wool pads and said, “Hey, anybody got a hot glue gun?” And sure enough, someone did.

All I can say is, this ain’t getting an Oscar for Best Costume.  I could shave my ass and make a video short of a fart and it would be more likely to win best costume.  And furthermore, if the costume design is on par with the rest of the production value, then Nick Cage would have been better off calling me and going with the fart video I suggested. We could have scripted it out and called it Windtalkers 2: Electric Fartaloo. Well, something like that.

Picture courtesy of www.justjared.com

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in Angry Picture Time | No Comments »

Angry Links Make Me Happy (which makes me angry)

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

pat-jess1

Apparently, my man over at I Watch Stuff thinks Harry Potter is becoming a slack-jawed, crotchmuffin.

My girl, Stacey, thinks Rihanna is a badass moron.

Wanna see 25 Comedians battle it out? YES, YOU DO!

Scarlett Johannsson’s sweater twins have magically vanished. God has cursed me!

If you don’t buy this CD then you are OBVIOUSLY a douchenozzle!

I don’t care who you are or how angry you are. This movie trailer will make you feel as good as a hug from Meagan Fox. Well, that’s a lie but watch it anyway!

Won’t you be my neighbor?

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Of Course It’s Not Your Fault!

Thursday, March 26th, 2009
lindsay1

No, no...that was COLD MEDICINE I was snorting!

Lindsay Lohan BLOWhan has finally figured out why she can’t get a role in a good movie!

Lohan BLOWhan said, “If people would just leave my personal life alone – because it’s really not that interesting – then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting.”

Well, now that makes perfect sense!

Are you frickin kidding me?

Hey Lindsay….

The “sicko fans”? Really? You need to come down from Planet Douchbag and get in touch with the reality on Earth.  Is it really so hard to figure out why you aren’t able to get good roles? I don’t know, the fact that, in the past year, you’ve had more DUIs than good bowel movements might be one. When you have more appearances in rehab than on The Tonight Show, there MIGHT be a problem.

Or how about the whole “Hey everybody! I’m on video in a bathroom stall snorting cocaine like a Dyson Bagless Turbo? Think maybe that’s a reason?

Or maybe the people who wanted to make Herbie the Love Bug 2 were a little turned off by the fact that your nether region has had more air time than Barack Obama? I’ve seen that thing so many times now I could recognize it in a police line up.

Here’s my best suggestion: Stop drinking, stop drinking and driving, stop huffing the devil’s dandruff off the back of commodes, stop flashing your junk and finally, follow Britney Spear’s example and just disappear and shut your frickin cake hole for a while.

Thanks!

Signed,

A Sicko but NOT a fan

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in General Angry Rant | 3 Comments »

This Guy DEFINITELY Needs to Go Back to VoTech

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
The Stairway to Douchebag Heaven

The Stairway to Douchebag Heaven

Ok, so I am a big fan of architecture and when I saw this I said to myself, “Self, this is a masterpiece piece of complete shite.”

I mean, WTF? What is this supposed to be ? If I were an architect and the best design I could come up with was something that looked like a damn accordion I would have to make a new career choice.

On second thought, maybe it’s the perfect design. He could use it like a staircase to get to the top and jump off.  Maybe I’m being too harsh but I wouldn’t let this guy design a frickin’ Chuck E Cheese much less a massive building in New York.  I’d hire Napolean Dynamite, master of the Lyger drawing, before this dude.  Or maybe the guy I went to elementary school with who was really great with an Etch-A-Sketch.  Seriously. One time that dude drew a naked girl on his Etch-A-Sketch and, well, if you like Picasso, you’d love the whole nipples with corners thing he had going on. Yeah, the more I think about it, hire him. He’d have to do a better job than this guy.

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Posted in Angry Picture Time | 3 Comments »

Normally I wouldn’t do this…or maybe I would

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
Credit: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Credit: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Look, even though I spend a large majority of my time and energy bashing crazy celebs doesn’t mean I’m heartless. So normally, a celebrity would have to actually do or say something so douchebaggish it causes me to respond. But, when I saw this picture  I literally gurgled on my late day coffee and spewed it on my shirt. (note to self:  See if I can sue Mary Kate Olsen for damages). I mean, look at her? Mary Kate Olsen was one of the cutest little girls ever on that show Full Nelson, Full Monte, Full Something , anyway.

And now…

And now she looks like one of those Bratz dolls. She’s so damn skinny it makes her head look like it was photoshopped on there. If I were here parents I would kidnap her and hook her up to an IV that loaded her full of fried chicken and double chocolate milkshake every 30 minutes. I know, I know….it’s hard to get the wings to go through the IV but ya gotta try something. Right? Maybe if we sew her and her sister together we’d have one healthy chic. This may be the first time science would come down on the side of actually CREATING siamese twins.  No, that’s stupid. I’m sticking with the KFC IV.

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Posted in Angry Picture Time | 4 Comments »

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Rib Bones

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Indiana Jones aka Harrison Ford, 66, finally proposed to Calista Flockhcalista-indyart, 44 after dating for 7 years.  Why that long you may ask?

Because no matter how many forms of ID Ally McBeal showed Harrison, he just couldn’t believe anyone that skinny could be older than 14. He wasn’t gonna take any chances. So he knew if he waited 7 years she’d be at least 21. He might be able to out run a giant ball and a voodoo priest that can take your heart out, but even Indiana Jones can’t out run a statutory rape conviction.

However, give Calista credit because apparently she’s been able to out run food products all of her life. Sorry Indy, I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s just me but if I look at a girl’s abdomen and the only thing I think about is the rib basket at Shorty Small’s, well….that’s just not a turn on.

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in Angry Picture Time | No Comments »

Quick! Somebody Call MacGyver!

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Two Words: Super Model.

One day her breasts just decided to leave.

One day her breasts just decided to leave.

Two more: BULL S**T!

Or is that one word? Either way, when I look at this picture of Kate Moss all I can say is WTF? It looks like she’s tied those things off on each side with her armpit hair. I mean, it’s one thing for them to go down but these are going EAST and WEST? How does that even happen? It’s like she got a boob job from Salvador Dali. Or at least a doctor who wished he was Dali and smoked….crack…a lot of damn crack.  A dumpster full of crack chased down with a 55 gallon drum of Mad Dog 20/20 and just a touch of black tar heroin. She doesn’t need a push up bra, she needs a lasso and some duct tape. Somebody call MacGyver. He’s the only one who can fix this.

I just looked at this picture again while I was typing this to get some inspiration and I threw up in my mouh a little.

Before I wretch again, let me just finish how I started.

Two Words: Super Model.

Two More: BULL S**T!

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in Angry Picture Time | 2 Comments »

Something’s Fishy

Monday, March 16th, 2009

Ok….I have to get this off my chest. Maybe you’ve seen that new Mickey D’s commercial for

He says, "Gimme that filet-o-fish". I say, "Give me the guy who created this commerical so I can punch him in his McNuggets!"

He says, "Gimme that filet-o-fish". I say, "Give me the guy who created this commerical so I can punch him in his McNuggets!"

the Fillet-O-Fish sandwich. You know the one…it has that fish on the wall singing “give me back that Fillet-O-Fish. Gimme that fillet.”

Man, I gotta tell ya….that is some kick ass marketing, isn’t it?

Are you frickin kidding me?

First of all, I don’t know who the hell came up with the music for this commercial but it may be the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard…it’s like the theme song for the Douchebag Circus.

Second, you got two guys who look like construction workers getting crazy over a Fillet-O-Fish. Come on, we all know that real men don’t eat Fillet-O-Fish. The only way I’m gonna believe that is if in the follow up commercial it shows those dudes locked in the spooning position and watching Oprah together.  And while we’re on the subject, how the hell can you call that Fillet-O-FISH? Do you know anyone who ever caught a square fish?But I digress…

Back to my point. If I could somehow track down the genius that made up this commercial, I would punch him in the McNuggets and then put my foot straight into his golden arches. The bottom line:  If my choices were A) watching this commercial one more time or B) getting gang raped by the Smurfs then I’m praying Poppa Smurf’s nickname is tripod because he’s a photography buff.

www.angrypatrick.com

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Posted in General, General Angry Rant | 4 Comments »

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