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Archive for June, 2009
Guess Who Will Be In Conway July 18th?
Friday, June 26th, 2009Daddy Needs Something To Make It Through, Little Buddy.
Friday, June 26th, 2009
Where do I even begin?
A) It’s called “The Squeakquel”. What, was Alvin and the Chipmunks : Part Deux-Deux already taken?
B) Why does the geeky chipmunk in glasses have to have a female match with glasses? What? Player can’t score a normal chic just because he’s nearsighted? I smell a lawsuit from The American Federation of Players With Glasses*.
C) Why the hell is Theodore holding up that blunt? Maybe it’s subliminal message to parents of what they may need to suffer through this crapfest. Just a little something for daddy to glaze his eyes over and pretend he has cataracts and can’t see. But damn those M&Ms are good.
It’s movies like this that make being a parent so hard.
* Should there somewhere, somehow actually be an American Federation of Players With Glasses then know that I thought it was fictitious and meant no harm. Also know that you belong to the dumbest organization on the planet. Well, second dumbest. There’s still a Kevin Federfline Fan Club.
Really?
Friday, June 19th, 2009
Gene Simmons has issued the following update via his website:
“Yep. For all of you who have always wanted to pee on my face! Now you can. A&E has put Gene Simmons Family Jewels urinal cakes throughout the country, featuring my face on the cakes”
he goes on to say,
“Please leave the urinal cake in the pee hole for others to enjoy. Reports have come in that some of you have been stealing ‘em.”
Well now that’s just good marketing right there.
Are you frickin kidding me?
First it was Dr Pepper and now urinal cakes? I guess next you’ll be on QVC hawking herbal remedies for erectile dysfunction. Or how about the all new Kiss denture adhesive and adult diapers. Now you can karaoke Beth and hang a monkey tail at the same time. Dude, you are Gene frickin Simmons. Get a damn hold of yourself. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to stop painting those pointy things on your eyes and start painting little nozzles on there because you are turning into one big ass douche.
And as for the people that have been stealing them… you GOTTA be frickin kidding me. You’re reaching…into…a …place ..where….dudes….drain….the….big-vain. Hell, Megan Fox could have written her phone number on one of those urinal cakes and I wouldn’t reach in there to get it. Alright, that’s a lie. I’d bob for that like it was in a barrel of apples. But the point is that if you reach into a urinal to get a souvenir, you’re an idiot.
Maybe if you’re lucky the next time KISS is in town you can just hang outside the tout bus and when they empty the toilet tank you can fish out a gen-u-ine Gene Simmons floater.
And you do WHAT for a living?
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
This guy dressed like “Pee Wee Herman Goes on Safari” is none other than Marc Jacobs. If you don’t recognize that name let me help you out. Marc makes a living as one of the biggest fashion designers in the world.
Now, I can honestly say I have never bought anything of his. A) because I am not sure where one would even find it and B) because I imagine one shirt probably costs about as much as my car payment.
However, if you want to look like a 5 year old who was given free reign at the Salvation Army Thrift Store or a Dutchman on acid, this guy MUST BE the designer for you.
And by the way, what the hell is up with the solo suspended behind the tie?
I’ve seen circus clowns that had better fashion sense. No wonder designers and the people who wear them are all pompous turd wranglers.
Douchenozzle of the Week
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
You guys remember music producer Phil Spector. He was sentenced to 19 years in prison last month for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. Now, his wife, Rachelle Spector, is speaking out Rachelle wants everyone to know how bad Phil’s being treated.
She says, “He’s locked in a 5-by-9-foot cell 23 and a half hours a day. They treat people worse than animals. I want that known.”
Oh my God, Rachelle. That’s terrible. Maybe we should start a petition to get him better treatment.
Are you frickin kidding me?
You know, you’re right. Maybe they could bring him a nice easy chair, a big screen with Sportscenter and serve him Heineken and a braturst all day long.
NEWSFLASH: He’s in frickin prison! Your husband was convicted of frickin murder. As a matter of fact, he didn’t just murder her, he tortured her for a while first.
So, you’re damn right he’s in a cell 23 ½ hours a day. And I hope the thirty minutes a day he does get out of the cell is spent with the guards rubbing his nuts across an old timey wash board. I hope every time he goes to the shower he gets teabagged so much that Lipton offers to sponsor an ad across the bridge of his nose.
Rachelle, you were at the trial when four other women came forth and said he also tortured them with a gun and here you are flapping that cakehole about his rights. I’m starting to wonder if you have late stage syphilis because you’re crazier than a crackhouse cockroach.
Whiplash – First look at Iron Man 2 Villain
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
Wow. Here’s your first look at Mickey Rourke as Iron Man villain, Whiplash. If I had never seen Mickey Rourke before I might have thought that the makeup people spent hours making him look that ugly. This makes me a little nervous about Iron Man 2 because I would rather stare at a big, red baboon ass for ninety minutes than this guy’s mug. Seriously, I’m writing a letter to Jon Favreau and the special effects team.
Dear Jon Favreau and the special effects team of Iron Man 2,
I am respectfully requesting that you take the image below and superimpose it over Mickey Rourke’s face as to prevent mass regurgitation during screenings of your film.
Perhaps instead of “Whiplash” you could call him “Whip-ass”. Get it? You could even have a running gag about him eating a LOT of tic tacs.
Ok. Please. I’m begging.
Sincerely,
Angry Patrick
By the way, that costume looks like they parted out a huffy bicycle and hot glued it to some of dad’s old belts.
My Prayer
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
Dear God….
Please allow me to be in the same room as Megan Fox’s boyfriend, Brian Austin Green. And subsequently, please offer me forgiveness for the fact I may have to kill him if he doesn’t agree to leave the country and never call her again.
I would club three miles of baby seals just to spend 60 seconds with her. She could leave the door open while she pooped and I would still think I had died and gone to heaven.
I need help. Serious professional help. Not for mental reasons. I need a professional assasin to take Brian out. Anybody know one?
Humpty Dumpty Oscar Bound
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
Here’s a plot I guess you could at least call original. The director of Snakes on a Plane is bringing a 3-D sci-fi horror movie called Humpty Dumpty to the big screen.
The premise of this masterpiece is that a female alien comes to earth and is raped by a couple of rednecks and her alien offspring goes on a murderous rampage. Hey, that sounds awesome! Are you frickin kidding me?
First of all, what the hell do rednecks and aliens have to do with a nursery rhyme? Humpty Dumpty? Based on what I know so far maybe he should drop the ‘ty’ from Dumpty and just replace the word Humpty with hot, steamin (Humpty hot, steamin’ Dumpty) and then you’d be a lot closer to what this sounds like.
And while I appreciate the 3-D format, when you tell me this is about rednecks raping an alien it just doesn’t sound like a good fit. You guys may feel differently but I don’t wanna see a six-foot 3-D version of Bubba’s love rocket coming at my head.
But back to the point…how the hell do you even get to the plot point where bocephus is getting jiggy with a frickin alien? Did he mistake it for a sheep? And what do you get when Jethro bumps fuzzies with ET? Instead of taking all the things from the garage and building a way to contact the mother ship, Alien Jethro would be building a meth lab. Instead leading him away with reeces pieces it would be cans of old Milwaukee.
Yeah, I know I said the plot was original and a masterpiece so let me clarify, it’s an original, masterpiece of shitake.
Turning Tricks In a Galaxy Far, far Away
Monday, June 1st, 2009
WTF? What shoe store does Beyonce shop at? Hookers From Outer Space? Who the hell walks down the frickin stairs in something like that. There’s not another person on the planet who would look at those and think, “Man, those are cool.”. Well, maybe Tom Cruise. But that isn’t the damn point. Unless you are going somewhere where every damn thing you need is on the top shelf, you’re an idiot.
I like a dry rub
Monday, June 1st, 2009
Apparently, I can’t win for losing when it comes to pictures of women tonight. I went from the “I make Janet Reno look hot” Christine to Mel B and her man-abs. I’m sorry, but it’s not hot if I look at your stomach and the only think that comes to mind is the rib basket at Shorty Smalls.
I am gonna have to go google Megan Fox just to try and heal my corneas.