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Archive for the ‘Angry Picture Time’ Category

Those poor animals………

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

Kudos to Patrick for the lavish introduction.  For those of you that do not know me, my name is Matthew Baker, Esquire.  I was the sixth member of the late 80’s boy band, New Kids on The Block.  I am a well traveled scholar, former Rock, Paper, Scissors World Champion and I get pissed when Patrick gets on my celeb-crush, Lindsay Lohan. You can also read my blog here.  I may not be as ANGRY as Patrick, but I will assure you, I am twice as handsome.  We both love to screw with those that are “screwed”, so here goes.

I am not a supporter of PETA by no means.  I mean I judge cruelty as that.  CRUELTY!  Eating a steak dinner?  Not cruel.  Taking your Labrador to Michael Vick’s house for a party?  I have to wonder.  However, I read a story last Friday that made me cringe when I think of the cruelty these animals must have been faced with.

It seems that Amy Winehouse has been banned from taking in anymore stray dogs at her luxurious Cotton Bay Condo in St. Lucia.  As I read the story, I became honestly concerned for these animals.  The owners of the resort had to have Winehouse’s room fumigated to get rid of the FLEAS!  The article did not come right out and say who or what was responsible for the flea problem, but judging from the “pre-stray dog” photo above…………I think I know.  Winehouse should be punished to the fullest extent of the law!   I mean, the dogs had not received any of their vaccinations.  There is no telling what Miss Winehouse exposed these animals to (on top of infecting them with fleas).

I must say that I was pleased with the owners of the resort for stepping up and telling Amy not to bring in anymore dogs.  It is obvious that the owners were sensitive to the well-being of these defenseless animals and didn’t want anymore to suffer.

As for the dogs that were under her protection responsibility spell at the time of the ban, I feel quite sure they have been admitted to some kind of Canine Rehab Center to kick their newly formed drug addictions followed by a flea dip of epic proportions.

This just in…….”Drunk Diving ban for Amy Winehouse“.

“She’s regularly drinking large quantities of wine and rum and no one in her condition should be going anywhere near water.”

There is someone, somewhere, in St. Lucia that would argue that point.

-Esquire

Daddy Needs Something To Make It Through, Little Buddy.

Friday, June 26th, 2009

chipmunks 2

Where do I even begin?

A) It’s called “The Squeakquel”. What, was Alvin and the Chipmunks : Part Deux-Deux already taken?

B) Why does the geeky chipmunk in glasses have to have a female match with glasses? What? Player can’t score a normal chic just because he’s nearsighted? I smell a lawsuit from The American Federation of Players With Glasses*.

C) Why the hell is Theodore holding up that blunt? Maybe it’s subliminal message to parents of what they may need to suffer through this crapfest. Just a little something for daddy to glaze his eyes over and pretend he has cataracts and can’t see. But damn those M&Ms are good.

It’s movies like this that make being a parent so hard.

* Should there somewhere, somehow actually be an American Federation of Players With Glasses then know that I thought it was fictitious and meant no harm. Also know that you belong to the dumbest organization on the planet. Well, second dumbest. There’s still a Kevin Federfline Fan Club.

Really?

Friday, June 19th, 2009

gene

Gene Simmons has issued the following update via his website:

“Yep. For all of you who have always wanted to pee on my face! Now you can. A&E has put Gene Simmons Family Jewels urinal cakes throughout the country, featuring my face on the cakes”

he goes on to say,

Please leave the urinal cake in the pee hole for others to enjoy. Reports have come in that some of you have been stealing ‘em.”

Well now that’s just good marketing right there.

Are you frickin kidding me?

First it was Dr Pepper and now urinal cakes? I guess next you’ll be on QVC hawking herbal remedies for erectile dysfunction.  Or how about the all new Kiss denture adhesive and adult diapers. Now you can karaoke Beth and hang a monkey tail at the same time.  Dude, you are Gene frickin Simmons. Get a damn hold of yourself. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to stop painting those pointy things on your eyes and start painting little nozzles on there because you are turning into one big ass douche.

And as for the people that have been stealing them… you GOTTA be frickin kidding me. You’re reaching…into…a …place ..where….dudes….drain….the….big-vain. Hell, Megan Fox could have written her phone number on one of those urinal cakes and I wouldn’t reach in there to get it. Alright, that’s a lie. I’d bob for that like it was in a barrel of apples. But the point is that if you reach into a urinal to get a souvenir, you’re an idiot.

Maybe if you’re lucky the next time KISS is in town you can just hang outside the tout bus and when they empty the toilet tank you can fish out a gen-u-ine Gene Simmons floater.

THE ALL  NEW ANGRY PATRICK WEBSITE

Whiplash – First look at Iron Man 2 Villain

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

rourkex-large

Wow. Here’s your first look at Mickey Rourke as Iron Man villain, Whiplash.  If I had never seen Mickey Rourke before I might have thought that the makeup people spent hours making him look that ugly.  This makes me a little nervous about Iron Man 2 because I would rather stare at a big, red baboon ass for ninety minutes than this guy’s mug. Seriously, I’m writing a letter to Jon Favreau and the special effects team.

Dear Jon Favreau and the special effects team of Iron Man 2,

I am respectfully requesting that you take the image below and superimpose it over Mickey Rourke’s face as to prevent mass regurgitation during screenings of your film.

Perhaps instead of “Whiplash” you could call him “Whip-ass”. Get it? You could even have a running gag about him eating a LOT of tic tacs.

Ok. Please. I’m begging.

Sincerely,

Angry Patrick

baboon

By the way, that costume looks like they parted out a huffy bicycle and hot glued it to some of dad’s old belts.

VISIT THE ALL NEW ANGRY PATRICK WEBSITE

My Prayer

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

megan-fox-july09-totalfilm-001

Dear God….

Please allow me to be in the same room as Megan Fox’s boyfriend, Brian Austin Green.  And subsequently, please offer me forgiveness for the fact I may have to kill him if he doesn’t agree to leave the country and never call her again.

I would club three miles of baby seals just to spend 60 seconds with her. She could leave the door open while she pooped and I would still think I had died and gone to heaven.

I need help. Serious professional help. Not for mental reasons. I need a professional assasin to take Brian out. Anybody know one?

Turning Tricks In a Galaxy Far, far Away

Monday, June 1st, 2009

beyonce1

WTF? What shoe store does Beyonce shop at? Hookers From Outer Space?  Who the hell walks down the frickin stairs in something like that. There’s not another person on the planet who would look at those and think, “Man, those are cool.”. Well, maybe Tom Cruise. But that isn’t the damn point. Unless you are going somewhere where every damn thing you need is on the top shelf, you’re an idiot.

I like a dry rub

Monday, June 1st, 2009

mel-b-ripped-too-much

Apparently, I can’t win for losing when it comes to pictures of women tonight. I went from the “I make Janet Reno look hot” Christine to Mel B and her man-abs. I’m sorry, but it’s not hot if I look at your stomach and the only think that comes to mind is the rib basket at Shorty Smalls.

I am gonna have to go google Megan Fox just to try and heal my corneas.

Not Helping the Case

Monday, June 1st, 2009

cynthia-nixon-and-christine-marinoni

Here is a delightful picture of Cynthia Nixon from Sex and the City and her girlfriend, Christine Marinoni.

Ok….let me just get it out there….on genreral terms, I am a huge advocate for gay rights. Now, having said that, the picture above has me not only reconsidering the possibility of gay marriage but ALL marriage.

Second, you can call that thing “Christine” all you want but you can’t convince me that’s a woman. If I were a gambling man I would lay my next check (all $112.00) that “Christine” has simply mastered the whole Buffalo Bob Wiener Tuck Move as made famous in Silence of the lambs.

Let me get Dr Seuss on this one. Sex in the City? I think not. I would not shag that on a cot. I would not hit that. Not at all. I would not, could not dip my wick. I’d sooner use a pencil sharpener to trim my…….I think you get the point.

Yes, my master (loud breathing noises after)

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

marilyn-manson

When the hell did Marilyn Manson become the Emperor from Star Wars? I look at this dude and think one of two things:  A) He wants to build a giant round space station and dominate the galaxy or B) he just joined a Gay Monestary .  And, now that I look at it again, he could also be soon be completely regenerated and only Brendan Fraser could save us from total doom. Or he could be Nick Cage in drag. Wow. I never noticed the resemblance before. Except I don’t think Nick Cage’s jaw looks offset to one side by 4.2 inches like ole Emperor Goth here.

But, all that aside…Marilyn….pssst….hey buddy….YOU LOOK LIKE A FRICKIN IDIOT! You were already ugly but now you are ugly and in need of fashion advice and probably a shower.

Somebody tell me how this doucheknuckle has been able to get jiggy with Dita Von Teese and Evan Rachel Wood?  I swear to God if this dude worked at the DMV he would spend his life a virgin but give an assclown money and a microphone and ya got solid gold. Wait a minute….I just described …me. Except without the whole money part.

Please let me wake up…Mommy…are you there?

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

gaga-dumb

I have this recurring  dream that I am being chased by this insane woman from the future who never wears pants.  My doctor says no matter who is in your dream, they are all manifestations of self. Which apparently is fancy talk for saying that I wanna dress up like a frickin idiot and wrap the Saturn Rings from my 4th grade planet model around my head. My doctor obviously knows nothing. And why does he keep giving me a physical every week? The worst part is that it’s all really inconvenient because his office is in his home and he always wants to put on this leather outfit prior to giving me the exam.

Oh…and in all seriousness…what the hell is that outfit about? I can only pray that her dumbass is on her way to be beamed up to the mother ship and head back home to Planet Douchetopia.

When did fashion start meaning “look like a Star Trek reject”? And what are the holes at the bends in her arms for? Is that like in case she gets a really bad itch? And is that corsett giving her a mammogram while she wears it? It seems to be pressing hard enough. I made better outfits than that out of cardboard and pipe cleaners when I was 7 yrs old.

I could go on for days but it just pains me to keep looking at the picture. My corneas are asking me for legal separation. Loyal reader, you’ll have to create some of your own jokes to fill the space.