You think it’s tough to run a business in the USA, check this out. There’s a company in Australia who is beating the bad economy by selling specialty paper. What’s so special about it you ask? Well, for starters it’s made from Wombat poop. The manager says, “When we’re boiling it, it does smell horrific but once it’s been sterilized and rinsed, it gives you a nice, organic scent.”

Are you frickin kidding me?

A nice organic scent? Come on man, it’s 2009 and we can’t even get something in a gas station bathroom that filters the smell of ass and you’re gonna try to sell me on the phrase “nice, organic scent”? That’s like calling Amy Winehouse a Chemical inhalation Specialist! First of all, who the hell was sitting around and thinking, man I wonder if I can make paper from this hot, steamin pile of wombat doo doo. How does your brain even come to that point?

Second of all, can you imagine if you went on a job interview and they told you’re job would be boiling wombat nuggets all day? I have to imagine that Turd Boiler is not an easy job to fill.  You gotta be pretty hard up to say yes to that one.

And finally, who the hell are you gonna write a note to on that paper? Because nothing says I love you like a note on a recycled turd. You want to give your lady something “organic” , why go second hand? Why not just take a piece of paper and wipe your ass with it and write the note when it dries out.

The bottom line: You can wrap it in festive paper, put a bow on and call it a Yule log but in the end…a turd in a bow is still a turd.

Check out the all new angry patrick website

Pet Fashion Week 09 was held this past weekend at the New York Metropolitan.  According to the website Pet Fashion week was created to provide a gallery for the refined pet lifestyle. The big event was a pageant that featured dogs and cats dressed in the latest fashions from New York and Paris, some of which cost thousands of dollars. Ahhhh man, that sounds like fun!

Are you frickin kidding me!

What the hell is wrong with people? Let’s just get this out there right now….if you put your dog in one of those stupid doggie outfits from PetCo then you are an idiot BUT if you literally spend thousands of dollars to dress your dog in a Versace gown and walk it down a runway, then you are a prissy ass, slack-jawed, ball gargling, ham-waxing, no life having, douchetastic little fruit fly who likely needs to be kicked in the crotch until reality comes back into focus.

And you know what really makes me sick? When people refer to their dogs or cats as their kids. Again, you self-deluded, asswipes….having a dog isn’t even remotely like having a kid.

You see, when I get mad at my two-year-old, I can’t just chuck him in the garage with a bowl of Science Diet and leave him to crap all over the place. Oh, don’t think I haven’t thought about it but I can’t.  When you call your dogs and cats “your kids” it just lets me know that you were likely too stupid to figure out how human breeding works so you just gave up and started playing dress up with Rover.

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I may need to recant. Please keep dressing up your dogs because God forbid if you did have children the kind of idiots they would be.

Check out the all new angry patrick website

Where do I even begin?

A) It’s called “The Squeakquel”. What, was Alvin and the Chipmunks : Part Deux-Deux already taken?

B) Why does the geeky chipmunk in glasses have to have a female match with glasses? What? Player can’t score a normal chic just because he’s nearsighted? I smell a lawsuit from The American Federation of Players With Glasses*.

C) Why the hell is Theodore holding up that blunt? Maybe it’s subliminal message to parents of what they may need to suffer through this crapfest. Just a little something for daddy to glaze his eyes over and pretend he has cataracts and can’t see. But damn those M&Ms are good.

It’s movies like this that make being a parent so hard.

* Should there somewhere, somehow actually be an American Federation of Players With Glasses then know that I thought it was fictitious and meant no harm. Also know that you belong to the dumbest organization on the planet. Well, second dumbest. There’s still a Kevin Federfline Fan Club.

Gene Simmons has issued the following update via his website:

“Yep. For all of you who have always wanted to pee on my face! Now you can. A&E has put Gene Simmons Family Jewels urinal cakes throughout the country, featuring my face on the cakes”

he goes on to say,

“Please leave the urinal cake in the pee hole for others to enjoy. Reports have come in that some of you have been stealing ‘em.”

Well now that’s just good marketing right there.

Are you frickin kidding me?

First it was Dr Pepper and now urinal cakes? I guess next you’ll be on QVC hawking herbal remedies for erectile dysfunction.  Or how about the all new Kiss denture adhesive and adult diapers. Now you can karaoke Beth and hang a monkey tail at the same time.  Dude, you are Gene frickin Simmons. Get a damn hold of yourself. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to stop painting those pointy things on your eyes and start painting little nozzles on there because you are turning into one big ass douche.

And as for the people that have been stealing them… you GOTTA be frickin kidding me. You’re reaching…into…a …place ..where….dudes….drain….the….big-vain. Hell, Megan Fox could have written her phone number on one of those urinal cakes and I wouldn’t reach in there to get it. Alright, that’s a lie. I’d bob for that like it was in a barrel of apples. But the point is that if you reach into a urinal to get a souvenir, you’re an idiot.

Maybe if you’re lucky the next time KISS is in town you can just hang outside the tout bus and when they empty the toilet tank you can fish out a gen-u-ine Gene Simmons floater.

THE ALL  NEW ANGRY PATRICK WEBSITE

I don't need this on Monday morning.

Do you have a co-worker that is just exhaustingly cheerful? You know what I mean….it’s that douchebag who greets you with the exclamation, “Happy Monday” !

Look, asswipe. I spent all weekend doing yard work, chasing three boys who are ADHD (Think of it like dealing with greased weasels on crack), battling it out at Wal Mart to try and make $70 stretch into a week’s worth of groceries (which means I have to spend 20 mins scouring the potato chip aisle to save a frickin quarter) and you wanna roll into work like there’s a bluebird on your shoulder.

Here are a few tips to get Mr./Mrs. Happy back for effing up your morning like that.

1) One of the most classic tricks of all…put vaseline on the ear part of their phone. Nothing better than seeing Mr. Happy lose his super-feel-good groove because of an ear full of goop.

2) You know all those faxes you get at work about $29 vacations and $15 health care plans. Give them to Mrs. Happy. ALL OF THEM. EVERY DAY.  And do it with the same overzealous joy they have. “Look Sue, here’s a GREAT vacation deal for you! ” or “Maybe this health insurance offer will help you with the herpes medication you take.” Say that REALLY LOUD.

3) When they say, “Happy Monday!” respond with, “Did you know in the time it took you to say Happy Monday that 431 women became victims of domestic abuse? How can you be happy when women are being beaten. That must get you excited, huh Chris Brown?”

4) When they are away from their desk, change their image preferences from SAFE SEARCH to DO NOT FILTER MY SEARCH. Next time they google a random thing like “excited” they will get an eyefull of crazy naked people doing things no normal human would do. Pray the boss walks by at that moment. “John, I wanted to ask you about the TPS rep…is that a goat? And a ….man? What are they doi….OH MY GOD! GET IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!” Ahhhhhhh…..how happy is Monday now, Mr Cheerful?

5) Get a tiny tape recorder and make a recording of you whispering their name. “Beatrice….Beatrice….Beatrice.” Everytime they get on the phone, play it. Turn it off as soon as they hang up. They will think they are losing their mind. “Did you call me?” “No, why?” I heard someone whisper my name.” “ummmm….I didn’t hear anything. Are you feeling ok? Maybe you should call a doctor.” Keep doing it until they break. And then kick back and enjoy a miserable Monday like everyone else.

www.angrypatrick.com

Do I really need to say more than the title?

No. Will I?

Yes.

This is Hulk Hogan’s little girl, Brook, and by little girl I mean an absolute MAN! Square jaw? Check. Moustache? Check. Too tall to be female? Check. The only thing this dude did was have his adam’s apple shaved down.  Wyatt Earp had a smaller moustache than that! Damn, get a Gilette Fusion or something!

And did I mention that she / he/ it …was at Pure Nightclub for her / his/ its 21st birthday? 21st? Are you frickin kidding me? I saw an 82 Dodge Caravan yesterday that looked like it had less miles than she does.  As a matter of fact, I imagine that the NASA Discovery has fewer miles…and likely smells better.

If I saw this in an alley I would just roll up into a ball and play dead and hope it went away.

Alex Rodriguez, sir, you have met your match. Somebody call Congress.

Alternate titles for this rant:

Vince Neil is that you?

Bigfoot sighted at nightclub!

and

Not with yours and him pumping.

www.angrypatrick.com

What the hell happened here? I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the scale of “Yeah, I’d hit that”, Kelly Osborne ranks somewhere between a feral tiger and the exhaust pipe  of my Nissan but daaaaamnnnn.  It looks like she doused her head in bleach and then got stuck under a Troy Bilt 834. It’s like when the stylist said, “What are we doing with your hair today?” She said, “What I’d like is for EVERY SINGLE STRAND to be a different length…and could you make it the same color as one of those freeway cones?”

Hey …remember those troll dolls we had when we were kids? Yeah, I’d hit that first. Really….this is awful.

Ok….I have had enough of this whole Lady Gaga thing. She is supposed to be a fashion trendsetter and that might be true if your idea of fashion is looking like a complete ass.  Apparently she stole grandma’s cup doilies and glued them on her nipples. And, by the size of those doilies, I think we might just have a Guinness World Record on areola span here. Jesus H Robinson! You could run an ad with a full size picture of a lobster dinner on those things! Maybe that’s what she should do. Instead of electrical tape and doilies she could just rent them out as ad space. I’m thinking Krispy Kreme or Starbucks might be good. Then again, I have to think whatever the logo is for this company would be PERFECT!

www.angrypatrick.com

A family film is coming out called Tommy and the Cool Mule.

While little Tommy’s father is away in the military, he has to learn to be the man of a house. If only someone could show him the ropes. That’s where the Cool Mule comes in….voiced by none other than Ice-T. So good to say a hardcore rapper become a good role model. That’s just really sweet.

Are you frickin kidding me?

This is Ice T we’re talking about here. The ORIGINAL Gangster. The OG. Unless this is a mule that teaches little Tommy the art of pimping or how to pistol whip a derelict ho, this is a sellout of epic proportions. A mule? I mean, at least he could have been a dragon or a bad ass tiger but a mule? Hey, maybe next we could take Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent and cast them as the new Chipmunks.

Come on, T….damn, at least on Law and Order SVU you still kept that streetwise attitude. Dude, you may as well be selling panty hose on QVC.

If you think you can stomach seeing a hardcore mutha just hang it up, watch this trailer.

Guess what I'm sending Enrique?

Enrique Iglesias is used to his fair share of female attention, but sometimes fans can get a little crazy.

In an interview with the London paper, Iglesias was asked what was the “sauciest” gift he has received.

“I don’t know about the sauciest, but I can tell you the strangest thing. A fan once sent me a used tampon. That was pretty original.”

Pretty original? Are you frickin kidding me? Who the hell would send something like that? Did they mix up his and Count Dracula’s gifts? Then again, being the polite guy I am known to be, I would have mailed her something back. A picture of my middle finger.

If you want more details than this because you are very, very sick…then click here.