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Comic Book Fans Collectively Hang Themselves

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
Picture courtesy of www.iwatchstuff.com - AND THEY ROCK!

Picture courtesy of www.iwatchstuff.com - AND THEY ROCK!

Look, I’m no comic book geek but, when I was a kid, Spiderman and The X-Men were the coolest thing in the world…at least until I discovered how fun shower time could be. So, as you can imagine when they started making Marvel Comics movies I was pretty damn happy. And when they announced a Wolverine movie it almost put comic books and showe time together for the first time ever..I SAID ALMOST!

But now, the single greatest comic book hero ever has fallen on hard times. At least that’s the only thing I can figure based on this ad. I guess Wolverine is a victim of the economy like everyone else, which is kind of odd, because you would think those cool adamantium claws could get you some jobs even in the toughest of times. I guess next week I’ll expect to seem him on an informercial with the Shamwow guy pitching an Adamantium Kabob Stick or some shit like that.

And if you want to completely see the sell out…go ahead and click here….don’t say I didn’t warn you….

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Jesus Sells Fords

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
Of course I see it. Riiiiiight.

Of course I see it. Riiiiiight.

In Dade City Florida, Jesus has been found! Well, at least his image. Where you may wonder…well, this image of Jesus appeared on a door at a car dealership.

Are you frickin kidding me?

I thought we had hit the rock bottom of Jesus sightings when he appeared on a piece of toast. Because I’m sure Jesus would soooo show up at a car dealership. You know why? Because Jesus wants to know what it will take to get you into that Ford F-150 today! Good credit, bad credit, no credit…Jesus has the financing hook up you need!

Come on, man….seriously. At this point someone could take a dump and look down and find Jesus or Mary and it’s gonna get some kind of press. All I can say is, well, Jesus.

Besides, we all know if Jesus did sell cars it would be Honda.

If you need to get the full details so you can make a pilgrimage to get your Jesus door on then click HERE.

www.angrypatrick.com

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Why, Isabella, Why?

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
Teenage Dream Killer

Teenage Dream Killer

When I was a teenager, Isabella Rossellini was still smokin’ hot and I watched Blue Velvet over and over again just to stare at her. So, as with any actress you were hot for in those “formitive” years, there’s always a special place for them in your heart.  Well, Isabella just cracked open my chest, ripped out my heart and played full court basketball with it.

I had heard some rumors of this a whil back, but was afraid if I watched it might defile my memory. And Oh God did it.

The overview of THIS VIDEO called Green Porno 2 has to do with how animals have sex. Isabella is dressed as a MALE whale and GRAPHICALLY reenacts this.

A little piece of my soul just died.

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You did what to your what?

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

Run Sparky Run!

Run Sparky Run!

The news story reads:

“Police were called to the Aliso (Calif.) Town Center on March 15 after a woman telephoned 911 to report being attacked near the center’s fountain by another woman, who had flung her dog’s feces at her and her infant. The flinger was said to be upset about complaints from passersby about the enema she was giving her dog in public.”

Ok….where do I even begin with this? Let me tell you something, if it comes down to my dog having to pass something that feels like a brick or me giving Fido an enema….that dog is in for a rough time the next time he squeezes one out. I might feed him some ex lax. BUT AN ENEMA? ON A DOG? Oh hell no! And she was doing it in public? Let me address this properly…

Dear Dog Enema Giver,

I am not sure why you were giving your dog an enema. Probably because you’re a complete whackadoo who likes traumatizing your dog by cramming things in its butt in the name of helping it live longer. Well here’s some news lady, Sparky doesn’t want to live longer if it means you are gonna keep going prison rules on him. But, you know, if you wanna assault your dog in private, I guess that’s between you and the policeman that finally catches you. But NO ONE….except for some pervert with a Labrador fetish…wants to see you shove a tube up Sparky’s arse and start flushing out his butt nuggets right there in the town square.

You are a complete moron.

In summation, please take Sparky, all your dog butt rape supplies and take yourself home and away from us.

And, if you had thrown “feces” at me and my baby, your dog would be laughing right now because I would have given you an enema with a size 10 Adidas.

Sincerely,

Angry Patrick

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Why I Don’t Hunt

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
Lag bolts, player?

Lag bolts, player?

Now, I can tell you that I’m not the hunting kind of guy but most hunters I know are very conscientious and actually treat nature with a great deal more respect than many other people.

Now, having said that….there are two reasons I don’t hunt:

A)   Because I watched Bambi like 42 billion times as a kid and I just can’t bring myself to do it. There are times I wish I had a missile launcher in my car on the freeway but until deer start driving cars and running me off the damn road I don’t have any cause to shoot at them. And…

B)   Because of idiots like the guy in this story…

“It was thought to be the backwoods version of an “urban legend,” but the Vermont Fish and Wildlife Department reported in March its first documented case of a deer hunter’s attempting to avoid detection after shooting a doe (instead of the permissible buck) by gluing antlers onto its head. Marcel Fournier, 19, used epoxy and lag bolts, said a game warden, but the finished product looked awkward because of the angle of placement and the size mismatch of the antlers.” (Fournier was jailed for 10 days and fined, and had his license revoked.) [Burlington Free Press, 3-14-09]

Epoxy and lag bolts? Really? This guy is like the psychotic MacGyver. How much of a slack-jawed, genetic reject must this dude be? He actually took lag bolts (and if you aren’t familiar with those then look at this) and some old antlers and screwed them into the head. And you wanna know HOW I know he was a complete idiot? (I mean, besides the fact he’s bolting antlers on a dead deer’s head) Because he put them on at the wrong angle! How the hell do you do that? I don’t even hunt and know they go on top of the damn head.

“No, Mr Game Warden. Some deer do have antlers growing from their eyes. Really. And I imagine the one on his nose means he probably has some rhinoceros in his family history, don’t you Mr Game Warden? What do you mean you’re taking me to jail?”

What a dumb ass.

Now, why would I go in the woods hunting when I could end up on the back of a 4-wheeler with some antlers lag-bolted to my forehead? Thanks but no thanks!

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What Would Jesus Do?

Friday, April 17th, 2009

FIVE POINT EIGHT YEARS, BEYOTCH!!!!!!!!

FIVE POINT EIGHT YEARS, BEYOTCH!!!!!!!!

Wow, how can somebody go from making The Passion of the Christ to leaving his wife of 27 years for a 24 year old Russian Pop Skank? I mean, damn….the dude has like 32 kids. So, let me get this straight…Mel “What Would Jesus Do?” Gibson….your wife has spent that past 27 years having her leather stretched for you to sire heirs and this is how you pay her back? I mean, do the math…seven kids X 10 months (because if ya don’t know that’s how long pregnancy REALLY lasts. Ask any woman…complain, complain, complain…what’s one more month, really?) So…where was I ….oh yeah….seven kids X ten months = 70 months. That means your wife spent 5.8 years of your marriage pregnant. I said FIVE POINT EIGHT YEARS! She should be able to wake you up everyday fingerpainting with her own doodoo and letting free range goats roam the living room and you still should be bringing her ass roses.

But no, you had to go hook up with some 24 year old skank nugget who, by the way, was approximately SIX YEARS FROM BEING BORN when Mad Max came out.

The good news for your wife is she gets ½ of 1.2 billion dollars. Now, if this were my call, I’d tell her to put half of that in the bank and then spend the rest on a cannon and iron skillets and dare you to come out of your damn house. Matter of fact, with 200 mill, I would probably contract some genetic engineer to make the perfect woman and combine her with a venus fly trap. I would send her to seduce you and then when you get to the moment of glory it would be like that movie alien where another set of teeth come out….not from her mouth though, Mel….and when you look down and see that Captain Winky is no longer attached to your body and life as you know it can’t get any worse, that’s when your wife would bust into the room and yell, “FIVE POINT EIGHT YEARS, mel-gibson-2BITCH!”

Mel, you sir, may be one of the biggest douchebags on the planet. I hope you get an anal wart that takes over your entire body.

And if ya wanna see the no talent ho that Mel ditched his wife for…here ya go…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KucTbbR9OT8&eurl=http%3A%2F%2F

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She loves me, she loves me not…

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

linlo

On TMZ Lindsay was asked about the break up with Samantha Ronson. To which she said,

“You make it seem like it’s over — it’s not.  People take breaks … it’s OK … it’s normal … focus on themselves.”

Ummmm….Lindsay….she took out a frickin’ restraining order on you. Is that what you call taking “a brecodependent_no_more1ak”? So, I guess that would make the police “relationship mediators” and their tasers are just “time out helpers”? Right?

This behavior is all really so shocking considering the maternal influence Dina Lohan has had. I mean, hell, she practically epitomizes motherhood…if you’re a piranha.

Here’s an idea, Linds…why don’t you pick up the book Codependent No More, lock yourself in your house and read that mother$%^$^%$ about 10 times in a row.

And although it’s not in the book, I bet Melody Beattie would agree with me that “taking breaks” don’t generally involve people with badges and strip cavity searches…unless it’s role playing night….which I would know nothing about. As my wife would tell you, if I were in a “role” it would likely be considered a “short film”. However, I do have that white boy, overbite excited look down pat and I’m also very good with the “hey, did he already fall asleep?” role.

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I Guess If IHOP Is Your Thing….

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
REALLY?

REALLY?

This has been removed from their website so I am not 100% sure if some staffer was having fun or what but it’s out there now! Luckily I was able to grab this before it was too late!

Our newest product

As many of you know, we’re huge bacon lovers here at J&D’s. We now make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm.  That last one seemed like a stretch at first, but now that bacon has successfully made the jump from food to personal care, we’re pushing it even further.

With that said, we’re happy to introduce our newest product, baconlube™. It’s not for sale yet, but we’re looking for early product testers to put our “Everything should taste like bacon” tagline to the test. Please email us at keepitsizzlin@baconsalt.com to get on our beta tester list.

All I can say is…Are you frickin kidding me? Who the hell wants to have their date taste like bacon? What’s next, Scrambled Egg Nipple Cream? Oh baby, rub me down with that Crispy Hashbrown Massage Oil and let’s work it out – IHOP Style!

This is one of the most ridiculous ideas I have ever heard of….right up there with Oyster Flavored Popsicles and that Chris Brown dating guide, 50 Ways to Beat Your Lover.

www.angrypatrick.com

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Nice job, Cracka Killa!

Monday, April 6th, 2009

dwts-courtesy-abc

I know, I know….I’m probably the last blogger on the planet to get to this but I am not sure it matters because this is what you might deem an “instant classic”.

This is the now infamous snapshot of professional dancer, Mark Ballas, from Dancing With The Stars.

I do have a few points to make.

First of all, if there is ANYTHING on the planet that’s a boner-killer it’s getting on stage in front of hundreds of people so I suspect Mark may be one of those rare cases of a guy who took Viagra and when it lasted longer than four hours he forgot to call his doctor.

Second, who the hell would get on stage in shorts that look like 1980’s John Stockton and NOT put on a frickin’ jock strap? Tie a rubber band around it or something? Hit it with a mallet right before you go out. Pour a cup of fire ants on it. SOMETHING.  ESPECIALLY when the girl you are dancing with is 17. I don’t care if she IS a gymnast!

Third, and most important, Mark has done nothing to help us dispel the rumors about the physical prowess of white boys.  Way to go douchebag, you just set us back 50 years with your Vienna sausage dance!  You could have had that same look in the BACK of your pants and let the world know you just popped out an epic ass goblin and not set us back any further.  You, sir, are henceforth to be known as the “Cracka Killa”.

www.angrypatrick.com

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Chuck E Cheese PART TWO

Friday, April 3rd, 2009
Where a kid can be a drunk!

Where a kid can be a drunk!

I’m not really sure how this got deleted yesterday but I’m sure it was my dumb ass that did it. So, since I didn’t save a text version I have to start from scratch which kinda feels like being kicked in the balls by an NFL field goal kicker only worse.

So….somehere in Illionois, a Chuck E Cheese was busted for selling alcohol to minors.  WAIT A MINUTE! They serve alcohol at Chuck E Cheese? I mean, I can understand the WANT TO….everytime I leave Chuck E Cheese I go home and pop the top on a bottle of Tequila, curl up in the fetal position and mutter something about my momma but drinking AT CHUCK E CHEESE? Come on….you already have parents who are near meltdown because A) they are forced to pretend they like eating cardboard with tomato sauce on it and B) they have three bad ass little booger-pickers running around like someone put gasoline on their ass and lit it on fire and you want to add ALCOHOL to that?

And THIS Chuck E Cheese decided to let a few younger ones slip through the cracks. Yeah, because the only way they could have made my experience any worse would be to throw a drunk 4th grader in the mix who is obnoxiously bragging about his 1 billion tickets he won getting the high score on that dumb ass jet ski game. (Hey….would that be a DUI?).

UN-BE-LIEVEABLE!

www.angrypatrick.com

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