Dear God….

Please allow me to be in the same room as Megan Fox’s boyfriend, Brian Austin Green.  And subsequently, please offer me forgiveness for the fact I may have to kill him if he doesn’t agree to leave the country and never call her again.

I would club three miles of baby seals just to spend 60 seconds with her. She could leave the door open while she pooped and I would still think I had died and gone to heaven.

I need help. Serious professional help. Not for mental reasons. I need a professional assasin to take Brian out. Anybody know one?