You think it’s tough to run a business in the USA, check this out. There’s a company in Australia who is beating the bad economy by selling specialty paper. What’s so special about it you ask? Well, for starters it’s made from Wombat poop. The manager says, “When we’re boiling it, it does smell horrific but once it’s been sterilized and rinsed, it gives you a nice, organic scent.”

Are you frickin kidding me?

A nice organic scent? Come on man, it’s 2009 and we can’t even get something in a gas station bathroom that filters the smell of ass and you’re gonna try to sell me on the phrase “nice, organic scent”? That’s like calling Amy Winehouse a Chemical inhalation Specialist! First of all, who the hell was sitting around and thinking, man I wonder if I can make paper from this hot, steamin pile of wombat doo doo. How does your brain even come to that point?

Second of all, can you imagine if you went on a job interview and they told you’re job would be boiling wombat nuggets all day? I have to imagine that Turd Boiler is not an easy job to fill.  You gotta be pretty hard up to say yes to that one.

And finally, who the hell are you gonna write a note to on that paper? Because nothing says I love you like a note on a recycled turd. You want to give your lady something “organic” , why go second hand? Why not just take a piece of paper and wipe your ass with it and write the note when it dries out.

The bottom line: You can wrap it in festive paper, put a bow on and call it a Yule log but in the end…a turd in a bow is still a turd.

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Pet Fashion Week 09 was held this past weekend at the New York Metropolitan.  According to the website Pet Fashion week was created to provide a gallery for the refined pet lifestyle. The big event was a pageant that featured dogs and cats dressed in the latest fashions from New York and Paris, some of which cost thousands of dollars. Ahhhh man, that sounds like fun!

Are you frickin kidding me!

What the hell is wrong with people? Let’s just get this out there right now….if you put your dog in one of those stupid doggie outfits from PetCo then you are an idiot BUT if you literally spend thousands of dollars to dress your dog in a Versace gown and walk it down a runway, then you are a prissy ass, slack-jawed, ball gargling, ham-waxing, no life having, douchetastic little fruit fly who likely needs to be kicked in the crotch until reality comes back into focus.

And you know what really makes me sick? When people refer to their dogs or cats as their kids. Again, you self-deluded, asswipes….having a dog isn’t even remotely like having a kid.

You see, when I get mad at my two-year-old, I can’t just chuck him in the garage with a bowl of Science Diet and leave him to crap all over the place. Oh, don’t think I haven’t thought about it but I can’t.  When you call your dogs and cats “your kids” it just lets me know that you were likely too stupid to figure out how human breeding works so you just gave up and started playing dress up with Rover.

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I may need to recant. Please keep dressing up your dogs because God forbid if you did have children the kind of idiots they would be.

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Wait. A. Damn. Minute.

Lady Gaga,

Apparently you have ABSOLUTELY NO FRIENDS AT ALL.

Because if you did, before you left the house one of them would have said, “That’s the dumbest shit I have ever seen” .

I mean…WTF?

Were you headed to a party that combined Halloween and Sewing?

Did you need extra shade because you were gonna be in the Gobi Desert?

Are you carrying a couple pounds of weed in there?

Any reason other than those just makes you a slack-jawed, douchewipe.

Matter of fact, I hope Summer’s Eve is sponsoring your tour. If not, give ‘em a call. I’m sure they’d jump at the chance.

Check out the ALL NEW Angry Patrick website!

Gene Simmons has issued the following update via his website:

“Yep. For all of you who have always wanted to pee on my face! Now you can. A&E has put Gene Simmons Family Jewels urinal cakes throughout the country, featuring my face on the cakes”

he goes on to say,

“Please leave the urinal cake in the pee hole for others to enjoy. Reports have come in that some of you have been stealing ‘em.”

Well now that’s just good marketing right there.

Are you frickin kidding me?

First it was Dr Pepper and now urinal cakes? I guess next you’ll be on QVC hawking herbal remedies for erectile dysfunction.  Or how about the all new Kiss denture adhesive and adult diapers. Now you can karaoke Beth and hang a monkey tail at the same time.  Dude, you are Gene frickin Simmons. Get a damn hold of yourself. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to stop painting those pointy things on your eyes and start painting little nozzles on there because you are turning into one big ass douche.

And as for the people that have been stealing them… you GOTTA be frickin kidding me. You’re reaching…into…a …place ..where….dudes….drain….the….big-vain. Hell, Megan Fox could have written her phone number on one of those urinal cakes and I wouldn’t reach in there to get it. Alright, that’s a lie. I’d bob for that like it was in a barrel of apples. But the point is that if you reach into a urinal to get a souvenir, you’re an idiot.

Maybe if you’re lucky the next time KISS is in town you can just hang outside the tout bus and when they empty the toilet tank you can fish out a gen-u-ine Gene Simmons floater.

THE ALL  NEW ANGRY PATRICK WEBSITE

When the hell did Marilyn Manson become the Emperor from Star Wars? I look at this dude and think one of two things:  A) He wants to build a giant round space station and dominate the galaxy or B) he just joined a Gay Monestary .  And, now that I look at it again, he could also be soon be completely regenerated and only Brendan Fraser could save us from total doom. Or he could be Nick Cage in drag. Wow. I never noticed the resemblance before. Except I don’t think Nick Cage’s jaw looks offset to one side by 4.2 inches like ole Emperor Goth here.

But, all that aside…Marilyn….pssst….hey buddy….YOU LOOK LIKE A FRICKIN IDIOT! You were already ugly but now you are ugly and in need of fashion advice and probably a shower.

Somebody tell me how this doucheknuckle has been able to get jiggy with Dita Von Teese and Evan Rachel Wood?  I swear to God if this dude worked at the DMV he would spend his life a virgin but give an assclown money and a microphone and ya got solid gold. Wait a minute….I just described …me. Except without the whole money part.

I have this recurring  dream that I am being chased by this insane woman from the future who never wears pants.  My doctor says no matter who is in your dream, they are all manifestations of self. Which apparently is fancy talk for saying that I wanna dress up like a frickin idiot and wrap the Saturn Rings from my 4th grade planet model around my head. My doctor obviously knows nothing. And why does he keep giving me a physical every week? The worst part is that it’s all really inconvenient because his office is in his home and he always wants to put on this leather outfit prior to giving me the exam.

Oh…and in all seriousness…what the hell is that outfit about? I can only pray that her dumbass is on her way to be beamed up to the mother ship and head back home to Planet Douchetopia.

When did fashion start meaning “look like a Star Trek reject”? And what are the holes at the bends in her arms for? Is that like in case she gets a really bad itch? And is that corsett giving her a mammogram while she wears it? It seems to be pressing hard enough. I made better outfits than that out of cardboard and pipe cleaners when I was 7 yrs old.

I could go on for days but it just pains me to keep looking at the picture. My corneas are asking me for legal separation. Loyal reader, you’ll have to create some of your own jokes to fill the space.

Do I really need to say more than the title?

No. Will I?

Yes.

This is Hulk Hogan’s little girl, Brook, and by little girl I mean an absolute MAN! Square jaw? Check. Moustache? Check. Too tall to be female? Check. The only thing this dude did was have his adam’s apple shaved down.  Wyatt Earp had a smaller moustache than that! Damn, get a Gilette Fusion or something!

And did I mention that she / he/ it …was at Pure Nightclub for her / his/ its 21st birthday? 21st? Are you frickin kidding me? I saw an 82 Dodge Caravan yesterday that looked like it had less miles than she does.  As a matter of fact, I imagine that the NASA Discovery has fewer miles…and likely smells better.

If I saw this in an alley I would just roll up into a ball and play dead and hope it went away.

Alex Rodriguez, sir, you have met your match. Somebody call Congress.

Alternate titles for this rant:

Vince Neil is that you?

Bigfoot sighted at nightclub!

and

Not with yours and him pumping.

www.angrypatrick.com

How many possibilities exist of what is under that fingernail she’s working? Now, how many of the things you just thought of were even sanitary? And if they have anything to do with Mr. Miagi’s destitute nephew, then it is likely even worse than you or I even imagined. Really, if you think about it, I bet there are scientists around the world who would love to clip that nail.  I guarantee you the next black plague is in the developmental stages under there.

I would rather dip a ladel in an outhouse and do it like a Jaeger Bomb than let her fingernail get anywhere near my mouth.

And yet….she is still so damn good looking, isn’t she? Then again, so is a Coral Snake and I don’t wanna put that in my bed.

www.angrypatrick.com

What the hell happened here? I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the scale of “Yeah, I’d hit that”, Kelly Osborne ranks somewhere between a feral tiger and the exhaust pipe  of my Nissan but daaaaamnnnn.  It looks like she doused her head in bleach and then got stuck under a Troy Bilt 834. It’s like when the stylist said, “What are we doing with your hair today?” She said, “What I’d like is for EVERY SINGLE STRAND to be a different length…and could you make it the same color as one of those freeway cones?”

Hey …remember those troll dolls we had when we were kids? Yeah, I’d hit that first. Really….this is awful.

Ok….I have had enough of this whole Lady Gaga thing. She is supposed to be a fashion trendsetter and that might be true if your idea of fashion is looking like a complete ass.  Apparently she stole grandma’s cup doilies and glued them on her nipples. And, by the size of those doilies, I think we might just have a Guinness World Record on areola span here. Jesus H Robinson! You could run an ad with a full size picture of a lobster dinner on those things! Maybe that’s what she should do. Instead of electrical tape and doilies she could just rent them out as ad space. I’m thinking Krispy Kreme or Starbucks might be good. Then again, I have to think whatever the logo is for this company would be PERFECT!

www.angrypatrick.com