I don't need this on Monday morning.
Do you have a co-worker that is just exhaustingly cheerful? You know what I mean….it’s that douchebag who greets you with the exclamation, “Happy Monday” !
Look, asswipe. I spent all weekend doing yard work, chasing three boys who are ADHD (Think of it like dealing with greased weasels on crack), battling it out at Wal Mart to try and make $70 stretch into a week’s worth of groceries (which means I have to spend 20 mins scouring the potato chip aisle to save a frickin quarter) and you wanna roll into work like there’s a bluebird on your shoulder.
Here are a few tips to get Mr./Mrs. Happy back for effing up your morning like that.
1) One of the most classic tricks of all…put vaseline on the ear part of their phone. Nothing better than seeing Mr. Happy lose his super-feel-good groove because of an ear full of goop.
2) You know all those faxes you get at work about $29 vacations and $15 health care plans. Give them to Mrs. Happy. ALL OF THEM. EVERY DAY. And do it with the same overzealous joy they have. “Look Sue, here’s a GREAT vacation deal for you! ” or “Maybe this health insurance offer will help you with the herpes medication you take.” Say that REALLY LOUD.
3) When they say, “Happy Monday!” respond with, “Did you know in the time it took you to say Happy Monday that 431 women became victims of domestic abuse? How can you be happy when women are being beaten. That must get you excited, huh Chris Brown?”
4) When they are away from their desk, change their image preferences from SAFE SEARCH to DO NOT FILTER MY SEARCH. Next time they google a random thing like “excited” they will get an eyefull of crazy naked people doing things no normal human would do. Pray the boss walks by at that moment. “John, I wanted to ask you about the TPS rep…is that a goat? And a ….man? What are they doi….OH MY GOD! GET IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!” Ahhhhhhh…..how happy is Monday now, Mr Cheerful?
5) Get a tiny tape recorder and make a recording of you whispering their name. “Beatrice….Beatrice….Beatrice.” Everytime they get on the phone, play it. Turn it off as soon as they hang up. They will think they are losing their mind. “Did you call me?” “No, why?” I heard someone whisper my name.” “ummmm….I didn’t hear anything. Are you feeling ok? Maybe you should call a doctor.” Keep doing it until they break. And then kick back and enjoy a miserable Monday like everyone else.